My Friend John McCain

My Friends,

We are all aware that next January, the political leadership of the United States will change significantly when a new president is sworn into our nation’s highest elected office. It is important that the candidates who seek to lead our country after President Bush define their objectives and what they plan to achieve not with vague language but with clarity.

Of course, the only hope for significant change is if we do not vote for you, John.

What I want to do is take a little time to describe what I hope to have achieved at the end of my first term as president. I cannot guarantee I will have achieved these things, but I am presumptuous enough to think I would be a good president.

At this point, I don’t think the Republican party would know what a good president was if one sat in your laps and called you daddy.

By January 2013, at the end of my first term as president, America has welcomed home most of the servicemen and women who have sacrificed terribly so that America might be secure in her freedom. The Iraq War has been won and Iraq is a functioning democracy. The threat from a resurgent Taliban in Afghanistan has been greatly reduced but not eliminated and there has not been a major terrorist attack in the United States since September 11, 2001.

Hey John, buddy, I think your math is off. You want us to be in Iraq for a hundred, or even a thousand, years, and that’ll at minimum have us there a hell of a lot longer than 2013. Also, are you comitted to closing the hundreds of bases we’ve built there? Of course not. So don’t lie and tell us that our soldiers will be home from Iraq. If you’re the President, we’ll never be out of Iraq. Even when you have us embroiled in a brand new war with Iran.

The United States has experienced several years of robust economic growth and Americans again have confidence in their economic future. Congress has lowered taxes and passed fundamental tax reform offering a choice in how taxes are filed. Americans, who through no fault of their own, lost jobs in the global economy they once believed were theirs for life, are assisted by reformed unemployment insurance and worker retraining programs.

Ah, new tax cuts for the rich. Thank God, because the top 1% gaining more wealth than the bottom 50% of our country just isn’t enough. We really need to built on the great strides we’ve taken in radical inequality. I can’t wait to see where the rest of our jobs end up, through no fault of our own. Also, as we all know, what a Republican means when he says “reform” a social program is what we’d commonly refer to as “eliminating” the social program.

Public education in the United States is much improved and test scores and graduation rates are rising everywhere in the country. Health care has become more accessible to more Americans than at any other time in history.

Oh, that’s rich, John, my friend. How will we have that health insurance? Do you have a magic wand? Because you sure as Hell aren’t interested in doing anything meaningful to provide it for anyone. I hope the same magic wand improves school test scores, because No Child Left Behind has done nothing but leave children and schools behind, and you don’t seem to want to break from that failed paradigm. Gosh golly gee, John, I hope this all magically works out too.

The United States is well on the way to independence from foreign sources of oil; progress that has not only begun to alleviate the environmental threat posed from climate change, but has greatly improved our security as well.

I hope you’ll forgive me, John, if I feel sort of burned by Republican “concern” for the environment to date. We have Healthy Forests, which sells off our national forests to logging companies to clear-cut forests, for example; and there are a host of other mis-named and infuriating initiatives which have done damage that will take decades to undue. So when you say you’ll make environmental progress, I can only assume that this means you will sell of our environment to be exploited for the sake of a greasy buck. The day you people do anything about the environment that doesn’t involve someone making a profit off of exploiting said environment, I’ll start listening. But I’m not holding my breath.

Scores of judges have been confirmed to the federal district and appellate courts, including the U.S. Supreme Court, who understand that they were not sent there to write our laws but to enforce them.

Oh thank God. I’d hate to have judges who had any idea what the judiciary was for. Thank goodness they can know that they are there to enforce the law, not interpret it. Now, what does the executive branch do again? Maybe you should read the constitution.

Voluntary national service has grown in popularity in part because of the educational benefits used as incentives, as well as frequent appeals from the bully pulpit of the White House, but mostly because the young Americans understand that true happiness is much greater than the pursuit of pleasure, and can only be found by serving causes greater than self-interest.

This makes me laugh, cry and throw up all at the same time. Young, idealistic people, serve the public interest, because we all know damn well that the government isn’t in that business anymore. Corporations, keep on serving your self-interest, because we love the profit motive so much. Its working out so well for us. But you kids enjoy your “true happiness” as long as it doesn’t infringe on our profit margins.

This is the progress I want us to achieve during my presidency. These are the changes I am running for president to make. I want to leave office knowing that America is safer, freer and wealthier than when I was elected.

While I have to admit that you, John, my new friend, can’t help but be an improvement over Dubya, I don’t see any reason to think that you’ll fall very far from that particular rotten tree. If you distance yourself from the massively (and morally) bankrupt policies of Dubya & Co., I might give you at least a little credit, but from where I’m sitting, you’re just more of the same crap that disgusts me now.

There are serious issues at stake in this election, and serious differences, but it should remain an argument among friends; each of us struggling to hear our conscience, and heed its demands. Each of us, despite our differences, united in our great cause and respectful of the goodness in each other. That is how most Americans treat each other. And it is how they want the people they elect to office to treat each other.

We cannot again leave our problems for another unluckier generation of Americans to fix after they have become even harder to solve. I’m not interested in partisanship that serves no other purpose than to gain a temporary advantage over our opponents. We are all compatriots. We are fellow Americans. I intend to prove myself worthy of the office, of our country and of your respect. I won’t judge myself by how many elections I’ve won. I won’t spend one hour of my presidency worrying more about my re-election than keeping my promises to the American people.

I look forward to seeing you refrain from using partisanship to gain an advantage over your opponents. I will try to be able to see clearly through all the flying pigs.

And now, I call on you to do your part in making this vision a reality. I am not presumptuous enough to think that I will be elected our next president without your help, and I humbly ask you today to make a contribution to my campaign of any amount to ensure my campaign is fully funded and able to take my message and vision directly to every American voter.


John McCain

P.S. There are serious issues at stake in this election, and serious differences between the candidates. We will argue about them, as we should. If I am elected president, I will work with anyone who sincerely wants to get this country moving again. But I must be elected in November to do this, and that is why I ask that you join me by making a financial contribution so that my campaign can be fully funded to win in November. Thank you.

Oh, so you can’t work with people to get the country moving unless you’re elected? Doesn’t that sound a little small-minded to you?

Here’s the serious issue for me, John. How can we possibly work hard enough to undo the tremendous damage that your party has done to this country in every area of our national life? How can we clean up after you, now that you’ve soiled everything we might stand for as a country and as a people? That’s the serious issue, and I don’t really think you’re the man for the job.

Sorry, friend.

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