Simmering

I don’t know if I want to do this anymore. Parts of it have been rewarding, but I seem to get one of two general responses.

1. Affirmations, which always feel good and are great for my classically fragile male ego, and

2. Arguments which do not seem to lead to any greater understanding and which periodically devolve into personal attacks and which may, frankly, threaten my career in ministry.

I’m going to stick to assuming that this is because I am failing to be a good blogger. Something is not getting across. I know that I am easily provoked via text – what an odd thing, but altogether common – and so sometimes I boil over.

I’ve completed Seminary course-work, and I’ll have completed my two-year parish internship at the end of this month. After that, I will be serving a year in CPE starting in September.

I started this blog to help me organize my thoughts and have a regular writing practice when I started Seminary three years ago. But that period of my life is ending. Maybe that means this blog ends too. I feel like I’m going over well-trodden ground, and getting into the same arguments over and over again.

I’ve lost a lot of sleep because of this blog.

I don’t regret starting it, and I try to think of my friend who doesn’t hold onto his regrets and try not to hold onto what I’ve regretted about it since. But that is contrary to my nature, which is to find every mistake and go over it again and again.

It might be that this blog is sort of an artifact from a period in my life. It might be that it is actually holding me back, because I feel I have to be consistent with other things I’ve written in the past when I write new posts.

Is the juice still worth the squeeze?

3 thoughts on “Simmering

  1. Congrats on some major academic milestones and the new CPE adventure! This is a good questions because if you are not being fed by the practice of blogging, I think it like any other discipline, is it helping you grow? It also sounds like you are seeking for some different outcome than the two that seem to be happening? What would those be and what are your guesses about why these things have not happened? Sounds like another blog post 😉Just my 4:00am two cents.

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  2. I have noticed you grow. It’s been fun.In the early days of the blog-sphere there were “chat-rooms”. I had a fantastic experience with a group of mostly strangers led by Gerald May (“Addiction and Grace” and others).It was great until a bunch of internet hooligans invaded the room and then the spell broke.Then Gerald May said that writing online was using up his creative juices that he needed to devote to writing what turned out to be his last book.What worked was the experiment in interactive journaling and Gerald’s amazing skill in leading group discussions. I’ve not seen the same in blogging. Its still an experimental medium and it is being abused by hooligans. When people use it as a platform for sanctimonious cussing it really looses its luster.I still think it could be used effectively as interactive journaling. But you have to take measures to protect yourself from the public nature of the medium.Anonymity is one way to protect yourself. That’s how I have borrowed your blog. Thanks for letting me do that.

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