I don’t know if I want to do this anymore. Parts of it have been rewarding, but I seem to get one of two general responses.
1. Affirmations, which always feel good and are great for my classically fragile male ego, and
2. Arguments which do not seem to lead to any greater understanding and which periodically devolve into personal attacks and which may, frankly, threaten my career in ministry.
I’m going to stick to assuming that this is because I am failing to be a good blogger. Something is not getting across. I know that I am easily provoked via text – what an odd thing, but altogether common – and so sometimes I boil over.
I’ve completed Seminary course-work, and I’ll have completed my two-year parish internship at the end of this month. After that, I will be serving a year in CPE starting in September.
I started this blog to help me organize my thoughts and have a regular writing practice when I started Seminary three years ago. But that period of my life is ending. Maybe that means this blog ends too. I feel like I’m going over well-trodden ground, and getting into the same arguments over and over again.
I’ve lost a lot of sleep because of this blog.
I don’t regret starting it, and I try to think of my friend who doesn’t hold onto his regrets and try not to hold onto what I’ve regretted about it since. But that is contrary to my nature, which is to find every mistake and go over it again and again.
It might be that this blog is sort of an artifact from a period in my life. It might be that it is actually holding me back, because I feel I have to be consistent with other things I’ve written in the past when I write new posts.
Is the juice still worth the squeeze?